On Waiting As A Discipline

Standing in line at the DMV.

Seething while stuck in traffic.

Watching for your morning toast to pop as you glance feverishly back and forth between the clock and the toaster because you forgot about daylight savings time. That blasted archaic practice….

We all know the feeling.

Waiting is one of the most difficult things we do sometimes. Even the smallest thing can seem to take millennia given the right circumstances. The good news is that this isn’t another Christianese tirade written by the umpteenth white girl to start a web log with the intent of chastising you for not being more patient. Yes. I just referred myself as the umpteenth white girl, and yes I just referred to the blog by its original term. Now you know what “blog” stands for. Do you feel enriched? You’re welcome. The simple matter is that we all want whatever it is we want when we want it. The American –and let’s face it, the entire western culture really –has perpetuated the mentality that because we work hard, because we deserve a break, because we just can’t deal with being inconvenienced right now, or because we don’t have time, we are entitled to get the thing we want without delay. There is nothing wrong with holding people to a higher standard, of course.

The problem surfaces when we become consumed by the inadequacies we perceive in the people on whom we are waiting.

When we begin to expect more of a situation than is realistic, or more of a person than he or she is capable of producing.

When we begin to let our sense of “I deserve it” rule our decisions and actions.

This is where the ugly side comes out and people get dehumanized and heads explode in frustration. That is why I think there is a lot of value in looking at patience and waiting as a discipline –a practice that improves or expands one’s growth. People say all the time that patience is a virtue, and I think we believe that it is for the most part, but do we really value or even understand the power of a virtue? A virtue is defined as moral excellence, uprightness, or righteousness just in case you were wondering, but another definition I found is an “effective force” or a “power or potency”. I like those last two definitions better. I think a lot of times when we hear the word virtue thrown around, it’s usually being aimed at us by someone who is being critical in some way. So we tend to shake it off and justify our behavior by telling ourselves that we have a right to be feeling what we’re feeling  because we have been wronged. There’s the entitlement rearing its ugly head again. I’m not here to tell you to be a better person. That’s not my job. I will do my best to love you where you are in life no matter where that may be. I am, however, here to suggest that maybe virtues are not as lame as they sound, and maybe they do have more power than popular belief would propose. So if you are willing to keep reading, I will endeavor to prove this to you by illustrating the manifestation of this discipline in my own life over the past few months.

I actually have no right at all to chastise anyone on their daily patience or lack thereof considering my current struggle to rely on God for financial needs. My status as a penniless vagabond wandering the streets of a cold, cruel, Russian city has me on my knees constantly crying out in fervent desperation as the clutches of darkness seek to enfold me in a merciless chokehold. Ok. I exaggerated about the wandering and the vagabondage. And Russia. And the chokehold. But I am definitely waiting on God. I have been ever since I got here. As it turns out, letting one’s ability to pay for things (especially expensive things like international travel) rest entirely on God’s provision is rather more difficult, humbling, and worrisome than one can initially conceive. It is, however, simultaneously more freeing and awe inspiring than one can initially conceive, so that’s nice. As it stands, I currently owe $2,795 not including airfare and it’s due March 20^th. I know that there’s no way I can raise this money myself. And it seems impossible. But with God all things are possible. (Mark 10: 24-31) This entire DTS experience has been me waiting on God to provide while almost everyone else has been able to pay the tuition installments for lecture phase on the days they were due. My lecture fees are all paid now, and I honestly don’t even know how that happened. A few weeks ago, I asked one of our leaders how I was doing on fees and how much I owed. He promptly told me the amount and let me know that I was done paying off lecture. I was very pleasantly surprised, as I was under the impression that I still had quite a bit of it left to pay. I know my mom was a big part of it (shout out to you, Ma!), but other than that, it seems crazy that all of the small gifts I received could have added up so perfectly. So if you have been a part of my financial support at all or you still are, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you deeply and profoundly. God has used you all in mighty ways in my life, and you are part of the reason that I have been able to learn and grow here in San Francisco. Keep seeking and listening to God. He loves using people like you for His kingdom!

In consonance with the aforementioned goings on in my life, I’ve been reading a book called Chasing the Dragon by Jackie Pullinger. It was recommended to me by a man at my church before I left and it so happens that it’s also one of the many missions history books we had to choose from on which to write our final book reports. I’m pretty sure I was just meant to read it. Today in my reading, I came across the verses in Mark that I cited above. The author was talking about a time during her mission work in China where she finally noticed the second part of what Jesus said there; that “there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields, for my sake and for the sake of the good news, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this age—houses, brothers and sisters, mothers and children, and fields, with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life.” As I was reading this, I was noticing it for the first time as well. I thought, “Wow! This is so cool!” I know that the Bible talks a lot about God’s children being blessed by Him, but this kind of blessing is very specific. As far as I know, (and I am not a Bible scholar by any means, so I could be wrong…) the specific blessings like that one are bestowed upon specific people in the Bible. This one, however, is meant for anyone who leaves everything and gives up his or her life for Christ. That is so encouraging to me! As a person who really has left almost everything back home and will eventually leave this country at least for a while, I know that God has promised me one hundredfold of houses. One hundredfold of houses! That, in and of itself, is amazing but the passage goes on to say that this blessing will be received “in this age”. I have a home already –my family’s house. But I also have many other places I call home. John Brown University where I went to college. My church. The homes of many of my friends and family members. I have at the very least, 10 homes already and that’s underestimating. So if we’re breaking it down from a mathematical perspective (which I tend to avoid unless I’m just terribly excited), at this point I stand to gain around 1,000 homes in this life! Can you imagine having a thousand homes? A thousand places that you could feel safe enough to be exactly yourself and not feel as though you were imposing upon someone or putting them out? That boggles my mind! God is so good! So if I can believe that God would be big enough, great enough, and love me so much that He would give me 1,000 homes, then I can be certain that He will get me to Italy for outreach phase. $2,795 plus a plane ticket is nothing compared to the price of that many homes. Nothing. My Jesus is greater than finances. He is the ultimate travel agent and provider. So I will wait as I have been, and He will do the work of getting me where He wants me to go. And when the very last cent comes in, I will look back on the path I have traveled thus far and I will praise Him.

And then I will wait on Him some more.